4. Recommit Me

I've been away for a spell, finishing up the loose ends I had unraveled over a good many months. What a funny thing, to have nearly destroyed your own ship. A sailor, enveloped in fog, can blame the rocks for breaching his hull - but what of the sailor who, on a calm blue day, steers straight for those craggy cliffs? He must blame a foolhardy spirit, a weakening of the mind.

I did this, dearest readers, and have lived (by the skin of my kneecaps) to tell the tale. I am recommitting myself to you, because my words are gold, and you deserve gold. We all deserve a little gold, or Solid Gold, of the Oldies variety.

The oldies are on my mind as I return to love - or rather, return to not returning to love. John Lennon once said, Apathy Isn't It, but John Lennon was full of shit, because apathy is all I've got right now, and it touches every facet of my life, from my haste to make soup to my online wanderings.

I've been using this dating website, see - OKCupid, a sort of hipster girl Shangri-La, filled with biscuits of the Too Cool variety. At a later date I will detail what constitutes a Hipster Girl in 2011, but suffice it to say, they are mostly narcissistic and entirely un-dateable.

All I've been good for recently is slogging through the middle of it; I am both physically and mentally unprepared to engage in love-chasing, or even sex-chasing, hilarious as my chase might be. Scanning hundreds of photographs on OKCupid has become a Magic Eye endeavor, and I can't be sure I haven't crossed my eyes. The pages seem blurry. It's the same effect that pornography has on me - as mundane as flipping through carpet samples.

And that's no way to treat perfectly decent human beings. So I'm giving up one of these things in the short term (hint: it isn't porn), to better myself in the long term.

Tonight I'm doing a grocery run at HEB, one of life's simple pleasures. I hope to see a phalanx of gorgeous treats sauntering about preparing for the night in their Saturday finery. right now, looking is all I've got. When apathy finally isn't it, action returns.